What my sexual assault taught me

Do you think that a lion is any less of a lion if he gets stabbed in the back? If he gets snuck up on? If he gets surprised? If he's taken advantage of? Is he any less than? Is he anything less than the king of the jungle?

Hey, girl, hey, well, I don't be too happy, because the subject I'm about to talk to you about might trigger some of you. So I want to give you a chance. If you need to turn this episode off. I will be talking directly and indirectly about sexual assault. So if this is something you have not yet healed from, or something that is a very contentious point for you, please turn this off. I do not want to trigger somebody in that way. Okay, let's get started. When I was in the military, I was sexually assaulted. And then I allowed it to happen again. Because I thought that's all I was worth. And for the past three years, I've been diving into MST, military sexual trauma, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, therapy. So I did two years on my own, and then one year this past year with my husband, and it was not easy at all. Even admitting that I had been sexually assaulted, and taken advantage of, to even say out loud to another person was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed. I thought that's all I was worth. I felt unworthy, I felt unloved. I felt broken. I felt a lot. I felt alive.

But after three years of processing the trauma, the traumatic event that occurred more than once, I can tell you that there's another side for one. And I can tell you what it has taught me and the lessons I've learned from it. Because no matter what happens, I like to think that we can learn something from the situation. And it's not I shouldn't have been drinking or I shouldn't have been hanging out with people who I thought were my friends after years of knowing them. It wasn't that because you know what? That's not something for me to learn. Meaning I should feel safe around the people that I think are safe that I've known for years. So the first thing i i learned was that bad things do happen to good people. Obviously you talk about God a lot and I love him and I said people say everything happens for a reason yada yada yada. You know like my sexual assault just had to happen to me. And that's not necessarily true. But also I don't have to use it for bad. I can use it for good because if the devil wants to get at you, the best defense to the devil is to tell your testimony. So I know that bad things happen to good people. And God does not love seeing those things happen to them. But you will always make a way out of nothing.

And the second one is the hardest thing. Forgiveness is for me. After I went through talking to this person, the therapist and the group counseling sessions that I was in forgiveness is not to forgive that person of what they've done. Forgiveness is to break the chains off my life. It's not for them. This person has no idea how much they hurt me. This person has no idea how it has affected my life and my relationships and how I'm able to connect with people. He has no idea. No idea. It's funny because we used to be friends. And so while I was going through this PTSD training, they tried to add me on Instagram. That was a trigger. That was a trigger. And every time that his name was mentioned, or talking to old friends, or that period of time in my life that came up on my memories, and I saw people from that era it was hard. And I would have an adverse reaction. And I would be in almost like a emotional hangover for a few days where I just couldn't get out of bed and my depression was really bad. My other wanted to do was numb. I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to feel those feelings because all of those feelings were too much for me to handle and it was just overwhelming. but I've, I've since forgiven him for me, not for him.

I forgive him because when people show you who they are, he believed them. And I knew he was a dirtbag. But sometimes it's fun to hang out with the dirtbags. And we'd slept together before. So I guess he thought that was a free pass, which they never is. And I'd like to think of myself as a strong person. And I felt weak. And like I didn't mean anything.

And the third thing that this instance taught me was it doesn't make me less than my therapist said this to me. And I was my mind was blown. Because y'all know that I am that girl. Out If y'all watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, but that I'm that girl from Clark Atlanta, I met girl I met girl, I'm her I'm that person. I am the one who you're gonna call when you need somebody to gotcha to get your back. When you need someone to get your back. I'm that person. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, I will protect you, I will go to the end of the earth for you. That is who I am. So when I felt like I couldn't even protect myself, so how can I protect anybody else? That was a thought process that I had to work through with my therapist and he said do you think that a lion is any less of a lion if he gets stabbed in the back? If he gets snuck up on if he gets surprised if he's taken advantage of Is he any less than? Is he anything less than the king of the jungle? I said you know what? You're right. Because I'm not less than Do I belong to the king, I belong to the king. I belong to the king, I will inherit the goodness of the Lord because He's the King of all creation, and I belong to him.

I will inherit that because I am adopted into His kingdom. That doesn't make me less than Am I mean that I might walk with a limp. But I'm still standing, it might mean that I might walk with a little bit of hurt in my heart, or a little scar. But that doesn't make me less than if you see a lion, it's got a scar on his face. Does that scare you more or less, because to me, this gives me more. So you know what, that makes me even stronger. Because I survived it. And I'm on the other side of it. It's not going to take me down. It will not take me down. And I am not less than I am still a queen of my own right. I still have resurrection power flowing through my veins, I still belong to the king. So I hope and pray that you have never had an experience like I have. But if you have you are still a queen. You still matter, you are never less than and it's not your fault. The bad things happen to good people. And forgiveness is not for them. It's for you. And I love you